You fear this fond feeling so familiar.
One you wondrously wept once before.
Deemed diabolic with damned deviltry.
Your hostel habit to hone havoc on hope.
Troubled thoughts that tore your truth.
Make-believe madness mistaken no more.
Try to trust this treasured feeling as true.
Don’t darken this daylight when it’s due.
How often do our thoughts kill good things before they even have a chance to breathe? Whenever life gets good I feel almost unsettled. A hidden fear in the back of my mind begging the question of when will it all come crashing down?
So many times before have I had the feeling of newfound hope and energy to never again let myself fall back into the same dark places. I get so motivated to commit myself to changing forever.
Then comes the downfall. Then comes the guilt. Then comes the falsehoods of believing I’m not strong enough, smart enough, or even worth enough. Soon enough I’m straight back where I started. All because of the frustration of not being able to control the good or bad days. The frustration to not control my anxiety and to constantly let it consume me. When that good feeling of hope returns, I find myself afraid to commit to it again. Knowing that good days are not certain or guaranteed. It’s so easy to fall into the negative mindset of wanting to push away good and remain in the negative believing accepting forever expecting bad is better than searching for the good.
It’s exhausting pulling yourself up after you’ve fallen down so many times. It also takes a lot of work to see the good in things when the bad is in the forefront of our vision. Learning to see past the negative and find the good is healthy growth.
This past week was a devastatingly hard one for me. Yesterday, however, I woke up with a new energy. I felt the hope coming back and I felt so much good metaphorically right in front of me waiting for me to grab it. I wanted to take it but was hit with the fear of taking it, feeling good again, only to have it be taken away. Why keep trying after failing so many times?
Because I haven’t failed! Life is composed of good days and bad. People are composed of good moments and bad moments. Anxiety will be heavier some days and lighter others. It’s accepting that and learning to do the best you can when you can. Don’t shut down something good because you’re afraid to lose it. Life’s greatest treasure’s are temporary. If you see something good, grab and latch on to it as long as possible. Make the most out of every moment you feel happy and do your best to create moments like that for others. Appreciate the little things in life, be kind to people, take care of yourself, take care of others. Help each other heal.